I loved the music.

I pitied the man.

Now I mourn the legend.

Michael Jackson's death Thursday rocked the world as fans from across the globe remembered the childhood pop star whose smash album "Thriller" and signature moonwalk propelled him to become the "King of Pop."

Like so many who grew up listening to Jackson's music, I couldn't help but feel some part of my identity had been ripped from me Thursday when I first learned of the 50-year-old performer's death.

The mere mention of Jackson's name elicited so many memory's for me: learning to moonwalk on my parents' concrete basement floor as a child, listening to "Stranger in Moscow" in my bride-to-be's college apartment and downloading his music onto my iPod as a father trying to share Jackson's music with my 6-year-old son.

I've grown up with Jackson singing in my ears.

Now he's gone.

I have to admit, however, I haven't enjoyed watching the man I once so admired spiral down a seemingly endless hole of outrageous actions - think of Jacko dangling his son over a balcony - and surgeries that had left him looking so little like the boy pop genius he once was.

As a minority myself, I hated seeing the effects of the apparent self-hatred Jackson felt for his African American features.

And like so many others, I couldn't help but wonder: Did Michael bleach his skin in an effort to erase his dark skin color?

Jackson addressed those rumors in 1993 when he appeared on the "Oprah Winfrey Show." He told Oprah he suffered from a skin disease called vitiligo that destroys the pigmentation in skin.

He admitted to having his nose done but declined to answer any other questions about other plastic surgery procedures he might have had done.

Asked by Winfrey if he was pleased with his looks, Jackson responded: "I'm never pleased with anything, I'm a perfectionist. It's part of who I am. ... No, I try not to look in the mirror."

Maybe it really was just Michael's own perfectionism that drove him to try to remake himself physically and maybe it was his skin disease that left him 10 shades paler at the end. It's almost unimaginable to think anyone would actually set out to de-racialize himself.

And I think it's fair to give Jackson the benefit of the doubt, especially given the enormous good he did in overcoming racial barriers through music.

I don't know of anyone, white, black or brown, who can't hum the tune of "Billie Jean" on request.

Still, looking back at the myriad other scandals in which Jackson was involved, I can't help but wonder whether Michael really was just a lost soul.

Undoubtedly, the worst scandal Michael faced involved charges of molesting a 13-year-old boy. Jackson was cleared of the charges in 2005, but not before the strange details of his relationships with children came to light.

At the end, Michael's actions had painted him as a disconnected recluse, poised to attempt a major comeback.

But his outlandish behavior, at least for this listener, never tarnished the music that continues to ring in my ears.